I’m so tired. I have a surgery date and a general plan for my second one- YAY!- but it has not been the relief that I thought it was. I truly expected there to be a weight lifted off of me, and I suppose there was, but it only lasted about 3 hours. Then I began the preplanning in my head. You see, I like to be prepared for things. When I am in a situation I cannot control, I will prepare as many parts as I can so that I can control something. This has been no different. Still, I really thought I would sleep easier once I knew when surgery was, especially since I have a few weeks. I was wrong. My first night of sleep after getting my date was just as bad as all of my others have been.
Last night, I tried something new.
I have a new ritual, a mantra I suppose, to say before I go to sleep. Out loud I say, “On March 17th I will be losing one breast. Three months later I will lose the other. I’m still me and you (Husband is next to me) still love me.” As you might suspect, it’s that last part that’s important. While I know, logically, that what I say is true, it is going to take a while for my emotional, irrational self to believe it fully. My therapist pointed out that this is certainly a grieving process and that is it completely different than, say, if I were about to lose my gallbladder. Even were I to be fully reconstructed, even if no one who ever looked at me could tell that I had this happen to me, it would still be like this, she said.
So, I’ll say my new mantra out loud (or quietly if it irritates Husband) every night. I imagine that some nights I’ll believe it and some nights I won’t. Still, I will say it and modify it and make sure I know for now and forever that I am still me.