Around eight years ago now, my family went through a really hard time. Husband was sick- very sick- and there were two times we almost lost him. Daughter was so very small, and every single thing about it was hard. The worst part was Husband and the way he was behaving. He was so different in that time that I felt like I hardly knew him. He was withdrawn and quiet. He never smiled or laughed, which is so unusual. I remember talking to a very new friend and telling him, “This isn’t who he really is. I can’t wait until you get to really know him.”
Try as I did to understand what Husband was going through, I just couldn’t. He wast too forthcoming with information at the time, but I knew that he felt guilty, that he felt like a burden, and that he felt somehow marked by God or the Universe. It broke my heart in ways I didn’t even know I could be broken.
Thankfully, that’s all behind us now and Husband is himself again. He has been for over seven and a half years, and I’m so grateful. Every day, even the days when he drives me crazy, I remember how lucky I am to have him and his positive spirit in my life. That’s been extra easy today.
Today was bad. Today we began to get really serious and focused about everything. Today I started to feel guilty and like a huge burden on my family. Looking at everything placed out before us was terrifying to me. I cracked quite a bit. I could not get over how much money I will be and have been costing my family. I could not believe how selfish I am being in wanting shirts that mask my future form, clothes that provide compression, and pillows to help me rest comfortably after surgery. Today I had thoughts like, “If only I’d waited one more year for this mammogram. Everything would have been better if I had a good paying job. Even if I was a lot sicker it would be worth it. Maybe even it would have been worth it to not find it at all and just let it be the end of me.” Today my thoughts were painful.
Husband let me know that this is exactly the way he felt all those years ago. He fought it every day. He chose to do it alone, which is something that doesn’t really work for me. But I’m going to fight these feelings. I’m going to find a way to manage. When I asked Husband how we were going to make all of this work he said to me honestly, “I don’t know yet, but we always do.” He’s right; we always do. That’s the power of us. No matter what, we always make it.