So. I’m in a stupid chain restaurant having an after school delicious treat with my girl so that we can have a few minutes of normal. She’s in the bathroom and I get a call. I’m out, so I ignore it, but I decide to check the lengthy message. It’s the lab which is running my oncotype testing needing to talk to me as soon as I can about fees. Crap. There goes my mood.
As I’m driving home I keep wracking my brain trying to figure out why this makes me so angry. After much introspection, I figure it out. All of a sudden, everything has to be about this damn cancer. It is so insidious. I can’t be just the mom with her kid out for a snack- I get a call from the lab. I can’t be the grocery store shopper- I pick up meds. I can’t talk about that great new show- I can’t focus on it. I can’t be out on a date and talk about “anything other than cancer, please”- inside my head it’s just screaming “YOU HAVE CANCER” over and over.
I miss the days when I was many things. There were days when I was mom and wife, friend, teacher, colleague, professional, expert, foodie, sister, daughter. In my head, even if not in real life, I’m a walking tumor. People will tell me, “That’s not you!” or “You’re not Cancer Lady.” They’ll tell me im still all of those things. I see where they’re coming from, really. The problem is that’s not what I feel inside. They can say all the beautiful things they want to right now, but until my mind is able to wrap around it, I will feel the way I do. Right now, in my own mind, I am not just someone who has cancer. I am cancer. I miss so very terribly when I felt like I was more than that.