Cancer · Depression · Life

More than that 

So. I’m in a stupid chain restaurant having an after school delicious treat with my girl so that we can have a few minutes of normal. She’s in the bathroom and I get a call. I’m out, so I ignore it, but I decide to check the lengthy message. It’s the lab which is running my oncotype testing needing to talk to me as soon as I can about fees. Crap. There goes my mood. 

As I’m driving home I keep wracking my brain trying to figure out why this makes me so angry. After much introspection, I figure it out. All of a sudden, everything has to be about this damn cancer. It is so insidious. I can’t be just the mom with her kid out for a snack- I get a call from the lab. I can’t be the grocery store shopper- I pick up meds. I can’t talk about that great new show- I can’t focus on it. I can’t be out on a date and talk about “anything other than cancer, please”- inside my head it’s just screaming “YOU HAVE CANCER” over and over. 

I miss the days when I was many things. There were days when I was mom and wife, friend, teacher, colleague, professional, expert, foodie, sister, daughter. In my head, even if not in real life, I’m a walking tumor. People will tell me, “That’s not you!” or “You’re not Cancer Lady.” They’ll tell me im still all of those things. I see where they’re coming from, really. The problem is that’s not what I feel inside. They can say all the beautiful things they want to right now, but until my mind is able to wrap around it, I will feel the way I do. Right now, in my own mind, I am not just someone who has cancer. I am cancer. I miss so very terribly when I felt like I was more than that. 

One thought on “More than that 

  1. While I hope you can soon add “cancer-free” to the list of things that you are, it does make sense that you feel this way. Every element of my life revolves around my illness. I don’t think about most of the time, but it does get frustrating when people don’t understand my limits. Anyway, here’s hoping that you find some peace from cancer, even if only for a little while.

    Like

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