When you suddenly “have cancer,” you feel completely different mentally while feeling exactly the same physically. That’s how it was for me, anyway. My lumps (it turns out there were more than one) were discovered on a routine mammogram, so I was not experiencing any sort of symptom before my diagnosis. At Christmas, some people were asking if I was ok, and then a few of us chuckled about it because the thing was I felt totally fine, completely well, but I knew I had cancer. Sure, it starts to wear you down, but for my experience the hard part began after surgery. Now I’ve been poked and cut and had needles put inside of me and been in the hospital and gotten infected and been draining and in lots of pain and it has all just been gross and exhausting. Although I’ve kept up a pretty regular work schedule because I work only part time and from home, there is still a good amount of lounging that I do day to day. Most people who have had only a partial mastectomy would not be in this position, but the infection sort of temporarily sidelined me and made my pain worse and healing slow. Now that I’m finally feeling about 80% again, I have one day off before more is removed and I start over again, at least part way. Today I will find out if I need chemo, which would be a whole other stating over, and when I finish my follow up treatment my doctor and I have been working on a plan for a few more procedures which are apparently needed as soon as possible. I’m looking at a rough several months and being almost myself again in about a year. It’s depressing, to say the least.
In the beginning I was loving the opportunity to read as much as I wanted and to binge on Netflix and old movies. Friends have helped me get into coloring and I’ve had lots of cuddles with my animals and Daughter and Husband. Still, I felt like I was missing something.
Go back in time to my home, BC (Before Cancer). Husband and I saw that one of our favorite singer/songwriters was going to be in our town. We saw that he was going to be playing in a small theater and that tickets were beyond reasonable. We jumped at the opportunity to go. Then, when all the news came, we sort of forgot about it. Life became all about cancer. When we remembered, it became a sort of goal for me. I just needed to get that far and then, then I would deal with what’s next.
Well, I made it, and let me tell you nothing has felt that good in a long time. It was like everything inside of me was cleansed and fed and nourished. It was the medicine I desperately needed.