Life · Marriage · Unemployment

Arrgghhhhhh!

Wow.  Stress.  If you’ve been following this blog (I think there are three or so of you!) you know a few things.

1: I have been writing about the prospect of changing carrers/moving across country/etc.

2: There has not been a new post in a while.

Reason for number two is heavily reliant on the fact that I am a teacher and it is a crazy hard job coupled with the fact that I have been so stressed lately that I am developing several nervous tics.  For example, I now have a delightful stutter that has just made my life a wonderful hell.  I sleep approximately three hours a night now, which makes my job super fun.  Actually, as a side note, I am great with the kids at my job but the adults… well… they’re not having fun.  Anyway, things are not going well.

Husband owns his business.  Not sure if I told you that before, but he does.  He’s been planning on selling said business for quite a while now, but just started to make it happen two months ago.  All was well; we had a buyer who kept offering a promissory note (“No! no,” says we. “We know you.  We trust you! You’ll do what you say.” Famous last words.”) who then backed out on us.  Husband is a great salesman and has been a good business owner so the business has grown.  And, by our standards anyway, it’s pretty valuable at this point.  We are not asking what we ‘could’ ask as payment for the business but, well, we’ve learned something.  No matter the value of a thing, business, product, service, etc., on paper, it is actually only as valuable as what someone is willing to pay you for it.  There is no way that we can make anything work without being able to sell the business.  This whole family experiment, which Husband calls “a fun little game I like to call starting over at 40,” much to my extreme irritation, could fall apart.  I am so, so scared.

Again, I’m not sure what I’ve shared so far.  I am desperately hoping to take my small family back home, to the relative area where Husband and I began our journey almost 20 years ago.  We will be back with family and old friends, which is such an intense draw.  We do ok where we are now, we have made some friends and tried to build a family, but we need to take Daughter where she can be with blood.  I never knew how important that would be to us.  I need this for my kid.  I need it for me.

So now I clench my teeth even more than I did before. I have nightmares.  I make rash and wild decisions. I take anxiety medication.  I FREAK out.  A lot. And then, apparently, I complain online.  Sorry three of you.  I needed a place to vent.  I have got to get the family out of here.  I have a sweet house, a nice job, and live in a beautiful place.  On the other hand, my house is prohibitively small, my job is slowly killing me, and my neighbors are f-ing insane.  Husband, Child, and I are going to die if we don’t get out of here.

Ok.  There it is.  I said it out loud.  Or at least I wrote it out loud. (Trust me.)

Thanks for reading.  I’ll be back on a more positive note ASAP.  Maybe I’ll drink first….

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