I took some big steps yesterday. Husband let me tag along on some errands after we voted, and I conquered a few fears. It was my first foray into public as a “flat” person, and I was pretty nervous. I was less self-conscious than I expected to be when we were in shops and generally just out and about. I was very much in my head when we went to pick up Daughter from school.
Someone noticed. And then, someone else noticed, too.
I totally handled it. I was ok. The world didn’t end. I talked to a couple of women who I don’t usually get to talk to, and one even became a friend today. I was able to open up and say words that have been very hard for me since the beginning of this whole journey, “Well, I have breast cancer. I had my first mastectomy two months ago and my second on Friday. I’m ok now, just healing.” I was able to hear, “I’m sorry,” and to simply say thank you in return.
I felt as close to invincible as I can.
Then, in a moment of silliness in the house, I was showing my chest and goofing around with the family, when Daughter said, “No offense, but you look like a Frankenstein.” I was so crushed. It made me slide back to starting position and feel miserable.
Did she mean it? Of course not the way I took it. Was she trying to be hurtful? I don’t believe so. She can be when she wants to be, but this wasn’t one of those times. But it was like a knife in my heart. I was pretty upset, but I know I have to let it do.
Today I took two steps forward and one step back. It’s forward motion and I’ll take it.