Anxiety · Cancer

My anchor

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Today my job is to gather the items needed for my after care basket. I will have a bag or basket that I can keep next to me with many items I might need at the ready. I’ll have chapstick, crackers, dry shampoo, tissues, straws, that sort of thing. I also will be picking up my prescription camisole to wear. It will hold my few drains and keep everything in place. It will be the garment I wear (when it isn’t being cleaned) pretty constantly for the next few weeks. Husband is preparing for his days off, and I’ve been prepping the house by cleaning a little better than usual.

So? What’s the big deal?

There is one thing that bothers me about all of this: I feel like this is going to be what saves me, my steady anchor. My mother, at age 79, needed none of this. Of course, this means I have guilt about my care basket. My thoughts become and more absurd as I spiral into shame. Here is a sample of my thoughts: “This is so ridiculous! Why do I need these things? Why do I need comfort? Mom is so tough. She didn’t need anything. She probably just took a shot of whiskey and bit on a wooden spoon while they operated.”

Yeah. Dumb. Welcome to my brain.

So, I’ll gather my things even though they make me feel weak, and I will probably be happy I have them. I may not be my mother but I sure am her daughter. I know I will make it out of this ok, even if I need real anesthesia.

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One thought on “My anchor

  1. I don’t know your mom, but could it be that she didn’t allow herself this kind of thing because she felt that she had to put up some kind front? Hopefully, by caring for yourself now, you are teaching your daughter that she is allowed to properly care for herself when she is having a tough time. Please, don’t let someone else’s unhealthy behavior convince you that you need to forego self-care to prove your balls are big too. In addition to being ridiculous, I am pretty sure that suffering like that is going to delay your recovery (I can find references, if you like). Be proud of every single step you take that involves self-care. Those are the hardest for a lot of us, and they are the most important. When you take care of yourself, you are triumphing over all the crap in your head and in the world that says that only certain people deserve good things.

    Like

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