As a young woman in college, I was taught a lot of lessons by musical artist Ani Defranco, as many were in my time. Among the most important lessons was that “buildings and bridges are made to bend in the wind/to withstand the world that’s what it takes.” The fact of it was one that I had actually learned in high school physics classes; what she taught me was the metaphor of it. Last night that lesson was reiterated and made stronger.
We’ve already covered how I say fine when I’m not or how I pretend to be handling things so well. I have been told by multiple people that I am handling things with “grace,” a word used to describe me as frequently as the word “thin.” So, never. But despite my facade, I thought I was allowing myself opportunities to express my true feelings enough. I see a therapist and we talk about it. There are a few friends with whom I chat pretty regularly and who cannot be fooled, even via text. Of course, there is Husband, who does everything he can possibly do to help me with every step. I was letting little bits out from time to time and I really thought it was all ok. I was wrong.
I’ve been holding quite a lot it and last night, the dam broke. I guess I’m mixing my metaphors. Perhaps I should say the building collapsed. I yelled and bawled. I was irrational. I was angry and scared. I didn’t want to talk and I wanted to be heard. I wished I had never gotten a mammogram. I didn’t want my mastectomy Friday or any other time. I was done.
I realized later that I’ve been having little tiny bursts of these feelings and I’ve been keeping them in. It’s like I was built without any allowance for the wind. From now on I’m going to try to move with the wind instead of resisting it.