It has been a while, hasn’t it? I haven’t been super depressed or anything like that, I just feel so busy. I don’t know why, but every time I have a busy day, the next day I’m simply exhausted and find myself falling asleep sort of constantly. I’ve got to shake this in the next few weeks because I start at my new job in less than a month. Squee!!
I met with my surgeon again this week. I knew I had another surgery to plan for, but being the ever cautious man he is and infection being the devious monster it is, I will not be having just one but two more surgeries in the foreseeable future. Not going to lie- I was pretty crushed by it and still, a few days later, break down into random tears and mumblings of “I just want to be done!” So August 3 is my next surgery day and THEN I have only one more. That means I have only about five more months (she says through gritted teeth) with the medication that is making me feel the most sick to my stomach every day. Like I said, I just want to be done.
Yesterday I moved my books and a few mementos into my new classroom, and it felt wonderful. I loved knowing that I had this blank space to work in. I know no one in my new school, so I cannot rely on anything except my own knowledge and experience at this point, and it is really liberating. It’s also nice to see that I’m finding flaws with it, too. For me this is a sign that I’m not romanticizing the new position too much. It’s funny, though. When I got hired for my first teaching job, I didn’t know what I didn’t know. I had no questions about almost anything because I didn’t know what to ask. This time I’ve got more questions than I know what to deal with. Tonight I will meet my new teammates for the first time and I have to be careful not to overwhelm them with questions. I also need to prepare myself for being older and more experienced.
So, right now my mindfulness practice is to be aware of what I do know and to trust myself. I’m a good teacher and my interviewers saw my skills; that’s why they hired me. I am going to be sure to remember that even if it’s different, I can do this job with grace.