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You deserve better 

Some of you have noticed I’ve not really been writing lately. There’s a good reason, I assure you, and it has nothing to do with lack of material. 

I could write to you about the ongoing struggle in my family since the loss of our older dog. There’s guilt at feeling fine, anxiety around wondering if we waited too long or went too soon, and occasional outbursts from Daughter, who is doing her first real grieving. Lots there to choose from.

I could write about how I wanted nothing more than to look just plain old normal me when I was getting ready for a family outing to an amusement park. I just wanted to wear a plain t-shirt, something I don’t feel comfortable doing in my new body. I could share the frustrations I had with trying to put on foobs and seeing that I still didn’t look right, my Buddha belly sticking out too far and my chest not far enough. I could let you know that I broke down and bawled about it while Husband concernedly looked and me and simply said, “I don’t know what to do.” 

There’s the feeling that I’ve been pulling myself in many directions, giving myself anxiety and guilt about not going to see my mother but knowing that I need to keep the many doctor appointments I have had scheduled for weeks and months. Trying to give Daughter a summer she can enjoy, trying to be there for Husband as he begins to understand his sleep apnea, trying to take care of the remaining pets and house, all while trying to get back to my old energy and movement levels. 

I could write about the excitement I feel every time I see my new school and think about the little people I get to meet and teach. Could describe the thrill I get thinking about my new staff members and parent community. The joy I cannot hide from my face as I walk through a store and see them preparing for back to school and knowing that this year, finally, that’s for me, too. 

I’ve got lots to write about, you see, but I don’t want to burden you with my heartaches. Other than the teaching happiness, I’ve got my same old complaints.  Wah wah. Life is hard. Blah blah. Cancer. Boohoo. My dog died. 

You deserve better. So, I’ll be back when I’m ready to share with you, and it may not be for a while. I’ve been going for over a year and I’m pretty proud of what I’ve accomplished. It would be a shame to disappoint myself now. 

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2 thoughts on “You deserve better 

  1. I’ve never considered any of what you put out there ‘complaining’. It’s an outlet. To your friends, a way for us to peer inside and maybe help encourage you during a bad day or celebrate with you on a good day. Of course, you do what you feel is best for you, but don’t think we’re out here rolling our eyes as we read your new posts. Lots of love💜

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  2. I talked to my aunt a couple weeks ago over Skype while she was visiting my mom. She asked what I was up to, and I had very little to say. Then, later, I talked to my mom and went on and on updating her with all that I had been doing. What was the difference? Like isn’t a highlights reel. Life is the little day to day things. When someone tells you only the highlights, they are distant from you. When they talk about the day to day parts of life, they seem much closer. You don’t have to tell us everything, but please don’t think that you need to just talk about the highlights. That isn’t life.

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