Anxiety · Breast Cancer · Cancer

Look here!

The sign in my head

So, I finally did it. I attended my first event, in this case a party for Husband’s work, in which I didn’t know the people and I only had one breast. I had some anxiety going in, but I put on my absolute favorite “you can’t entirely tell I’m a uniboob” shirt, took a deep breath, and went for it. I did great for about two minutes. 

I am not usually a vain person, but I do tend to think that people are talking or thinking about me much more than they are. This event was that feeling multiplied exponentially. Not only was I the fat (and old! Husband works with so many kids!) lady in the room, but I was the unbalanced one, too. Everyone there knew about my cancer before meeting me, and it was obvious to me that it was a sort of elephant in the room (oh look!!). Some people maintained incredibly severe eye contact with me. Some awkwardly tried to say something supportive, which was really sweet. A few mentioned the fact that I had “an issue.” Not a single person said the C word. In fact, it was almost used in a joking manner at one point and was quickly squashed. 

As kind and lovely as everyone was it was difficult. Husband was incredibly supportive and stayed near me the entire time. Still, when he asked me if I was doing ok I told him that I felt as if there was a flashing neon arrow pointing at my missing breast. I don’t know if having the other in removed will help- being even and looks the same on both sides could be a benefit- or make me feel worse- a giant stomach walking around with no boobs. Is she a man? Is she pregnant? What is it? I guess I’ll start to navigate those waters soon enough.  

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One thought on “Look here!

  1. It seems like a lot of us have the feeling that people are talking about us. Now, granted, they may have been, since they all know that you had cancer. However, it was super awesome of you to go out there anyway. I’m having a vaguely similar kind of thing in that I have really specific dietary requirements, and so I’m not able to eat food that I don’t prepare. This makes parties and other gatherings awkward. On top of it, I’m kind of skinny now (although I’m trying to keep from losing more weight), and I feel like I’m going to seem like “picky, anorexic girl” to people or like “I’m so skinny! All fat people are bad!”. “I have diabetes” does help keep people from freaking out, and Russians seem more accepting of various body sizes, but I’m concerned about posting photos to Facebook or visiting the US. So, anyway, I understand a little.

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