When you have something like cancer, people ask you how you are doing in the days leading up to or following surgery or a treatment. They check in to make sure you’re doing ok when they know something big is happening. It’s wonderful to receive support from people in this way. I never knew how many people genuinely cared, to be honest, until I got “sick.” I’ve been blown away by kindness and love from my old and new homes, and I will never be able to repay them literally or figuratively for their incredible generosity. There are still really awful days that almost no one knows about.
Every other morning, I have to look for a shirt to wear. This is always an ordeal. I have a few that I know I can wear with one breast. I know that they’ll work breastless as well. Right now, I have about three shirts that I can wear and feel ok about my chest. Three. They’re mostly new. One of my old shirts feels good and going into my dresser to pick a shirt each morning can be a devastating experience. I feel shallow and petty just saying it aloud, but the hardest part for me has been dressing my body. I don’t want to even write the words because it makes me feel so dumb, but it’s my truth today.
I used to get my nails done every couple of weeks, but now I don’t want to. I don’t want to do my makeup or hair. I don’t want to put on jewelry or my watch. Some days I don’t even want to brush my teeth. I’ve been someone who struggles with body image as long as I can remember, and this has made things a heck of a lot harder. But I get dressed and brush my teeth. I put on my watch and sometimes even a little makeup. I make myself get out there and do my thing in the day. At some point, my wardrobe will be different and getting dressed will be easier. At some point, it won’t be all I think about. I’m just not there yet.