Here I am 

My new view

I didn’t get to post at my normal time because we had a bit of a scare. Last night I started having a new pain from my surgery, and it was pretty bad. It was right at the place where my remaining drain is, and it made me pretty worried. When Husband and I decided to investigate it, what we saw made us pretty nervous, so we called my surgeon. He assured us that I would be ok but also wanted to see me first thing this morning. As he predicted, once it was inspected I was told that my body just wants to reject the drain. Luckily it was a quick fix but the drain is still in place. 

I don’t have many words of wisdom to impart today. It’s been a good few days off healing. While I still have at least one moment a day in which I cannot fathom my new body, I’ve been handling things well overall. I did some shopping which wound up being slightly more successful. I now have at least one thing I can wear against my skin which I think is, objectively, at least slightly pretty. Once I’m able to properly clean myself, i.e., once this damnable drain is gone, I think I will really start to feel better. I will never again take for granted the glorious feeling of warm soapy water running all over as I get properly cleaned and rejuvenated. 

It was very easy for me to be out in the world with Husband in the week after surgery. We would be out and about doing our thing and I often wouldn’t even think of myself as the odd lady with one breast. Being around people I know has been much more of a challenge. I’m learning my limits. I had someone who wanted to see my scar and drain, and that was ok. Husband and I make lots of jokes about it (he likes to say how I can’t go too fast or I’ll just end up running in a circle) but now I know where my limit on that is, especially around others. I’m slowly getting myself out in social situations with friends and family and am a tiny bit defiant about it. I think to myself, “Here I am. I’m not a freak. I am me, take it or leave it.” I’m looking forward to when I can just *be* and not be thinking anything else at all. 

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