I think, in general, I have handled my diagnosis and the major changes that are coming up in my life well. I have had appropriate moments of being overwhelmed and upset, but they are only moments. I recover relatively fast and move on. The past couple days, though, have been just too much. I don’t entirely understand it. Nothing new has been added; in fact, the conversation about radiation has been handled and now I have even less to deal with than before.
So why am I suddenly so unhappy?
I have a lot of anger surrounding all of this, I’ve discovered. People are so kind and wonderful and supportive, but there are certain things they say which shock me and fill me with sadness. A few people have commented on the fact that I “get to have perky new boobs” which “every woman wants.” Nope. I don’t “get to” have anything. I have to have my breasts removed. I have to make the agonizing decisions about whether or not I want to have them reconstructed through a series of operations and painful procedures. I become angry at these people that they “get to” keep their bodies whole. There are a couple people who are jealous of me because I “get to have a gastric bypass.” Again, this isn’t any sort of “get to” situation. This is a specific case in which I have worked as hard as I can multiple times to attempt to lose weight. I have dieted and exercised and made sure to keep my body healthy other than the weight, which I have been unable to control.
There are a couple people who are jealous of me because I “get to have a gastric bypass.” Again, this isn’t any sort of “get to” situation. This is a specific case in which I have worked as hard as I can multiple times to attempt to lose weight. I have dieted and exercised and made sure to keep my body healthy other than the weight, which I have been unable to control. I did not have much say in this decision. Sure, on paper it looks like it was all up to me and my family, but in reality it was a doctor saying to me, “choose this and you live.” I don’t get to have the say in what happens to me right now. If you wouldn’t say the phrases you are telling me to someone who was hit by a car, then don’t say it to a person with cancer.
Then there are the people who tell you what they “know what” they would do. “Oh, if I had cancer I would just get those things cut right off and no reconstruction ever. My life would be so easy! No more bras!” or even “I’d get that bypass without even thinking about it.” It’s just not that simple, and I have no idea why some people choose to not see that. It’s not like I’m making the decision to take my bra off at the end of the day. I am changing the way I look and that changes the way I feel about myself as a human and as a woman. And the bypass? I am changing my relationship with food forever. For many months I will be able to eat a few tablespoons of food at a time. It will change everything I cook for my family and how I approach every meal. I’m not saying that either of these things will end up being bad, they’re just not so simple.
Clearly, I’m angry. I’ve got a lot to work through. I hope the anger passes soon.