Above you see a heavily blurred and effects studio messed-around-with image of my breast. The unaltered area of the photo shows one of the two areas where my doctor, as the nurses said, “dug around inside of” me. It hurts. A chunk of me is gone. My skin is angry and so is my heart.
Yeah. I’m mad. I don’t want to have cancer. I don’t want to be a 41 year old “survivor.” I mean, sure, it’s better than the alternative, but still. I’m not a pink ribbon wearer anymore, not a warrior. I’m a person who’s hanging out on her couch with an ice pack because I hurt. I feel like I should be healed by now. I should be up and doing all sorts of things. I should, should, should. And I hate that I think that.
So now I wait. I wait to see what the pathology of this tumor and my nodes says. I wait to see if I have the stupid and life altering gene deletion which will mean a bilateral mastectomy. I wait and drink cocoa and hang out on my couch.
A friend called me a hero today. I have never felt more like a phony. Cancer does not make me feel like a hero. It makes me feel like less than I was before. Less of a human, less of a mother, less of a woman. I am literally less of a person than I was, about a tennis ball sized mass less. Still, I don’t feel like a whole person minus tennis ball, I feel like a half person. A less person.
That’s where I am, kids. It’s not a great place or one which makes a lot of sense, but it’s real. Next time should be more whole.
4 thoughts on “Frick. ”
Thanks for your honesty. Wish that brains/ thoughts didn’t make your brain go there cause you know that YOU are not a “big Boob”. 🙂 Love you
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I understand completely as I too am a 41 year old survivor. Hero, ha! We don’t have a choice, it’s our new life. Life will never be the same, that’s our reality. I have a disgusting scar as well. What I am is a fighter and will continue to make my life the best that it can be. Waiting is the worst part, that is certain. The Silver Ligning was a book that helped me through. Good luck sister!
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Thanks for the book recommendation. At some point I will be in a place to read it, I’m sure.
You have amazing courage to document your journey. It’s not easy. I’m sorry you have to go through this. I just finished up my year long treatments & most of what you write about I can relate to. Stay strong, it’s not an easy road but Shannon and I are living proof you can and will get through it….. And you will be stronger and more appreciative of life. Please reach out if you want to talk!
Michelle (Russo) from Beach HS