As I was trying to fall asleep last night I whispered to Husband, “I don’t know how to be Cancer Lady.” He told me, “Ok. You don’t have to be Cancer Lady. You have to be Elizabeth. You’re good at it. Besides, Cancer Lady sounds terrible; don’t be her,” and he promptly fell asleep.
That left me thinking about… well… it left me thinking about everything. Is everything the “cancer” something for me now? I had joked with Husband (but was secretly sincere) and repeatedly apologized for having “Cancer Christmas” because it was this shadow over the holiday. It’s all I’m thinking about and all I want to write about. Even though it’s always on my mind, though, I don’t want this to be the “Cancer Blog.” I have to find the things that are apart from this one thing inside of me and let them become important to me again.
I guess for now I have to let it be. For now, I have to let things roll along the way they are and unfold however they do. I am hoping, though, that I will be able to move away from this. I am hoping that I can just be a person with cancer and not the “Cancer Person.” I’m hoping that I will have the cancer but it won’t have me.