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I already know 

I try to find the reason in all the bad stuff that happens. I guess it’s one of those stupid coping mechanism things, but it’s all I have in the middle of the night when something has me to bothered to sleep. In my life, I’ve usually been able to find the reason for most personal things- individual illnesses, car accidents, minor to moderate tragedies, even the passing of my father. I’ve been able to say, “OK. I think this could be something that came of that which was important for me/the family/the world to accept and learn.” Sure, I’ve been angry and asked the Universe if maybe there could have been a better way to teach that particular lesson, but still… I’ve been generally accepting overall. 

There is no reason, none, for the dementia in my mother. I have learned patience from Daughter. I’ve learned that I am not in control. There’s nothing that I need to learn from this. I’m angry. I’m upset, sure, but I am pissed. This isn’t fair, and that’s another thing I already knew. People are telling me I’m allowed to be mad. I know. I’m allowed to be upset. I know that, too. 

So, Universe, knock it off. Leave my mom the hell alone. I’m done learning. 

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One thought on “I already know 

  1. As someone with a brain injury, I’m very aware of the possibility that my condition could be degenerative and cause me to lose more and more functionality over time. I try to live without worrying excessively about it, but I know that I can already be difficult and my care-giver would suffer more when/if I go down that road.

    I don’t really think there is any predetermined point to anything, but I choose to try to figure out what I can learn from experiences. In this case, all I can say is that it might allow you to learn creative ways to help and interact that accept the reality of the illness and try to lessen its impact. A lot of us are going to go down this road in the future, and what you learn to help your mom and yourself cope now might be useful later. Of course, this doesn’t make the situation any less sad and miserable.

    Liked by 1 person

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