Anxiety · Life

The mind as magnifying glass

As you loyal readers know I am waiting to hear news from a job interview I had almost a month ago. I was told they would start to call people back at some point in June, and now June is here and I am more anxious than I thought possible. If you’ve read from the steady-posting beginning you know that anxiety is part of the fabric of my Self, so waiting is particularly hard for me. It’s in these moments when my mind is my greatest enemy. 

I believe that we all have selective memories and I think most people who have been in a long term relationship would agree with me. Often times most people remember what they want to remember. At least that’s the way with you “normals.” I am not one of you. I am a soldier in the war on anxiety and my mind acts like a magnifying glass, sometimes even like a microscope, to attack the most small incidents, comments, looks, etc., and make them seem much bigger. And if I had a totally big screw up? It’s all I can see for days, sometimes weeks, a few times months, and in one case longer than 2 years. 

While I sit here and write, my mind wanders to my interview as it does all day every day right now. Questions start to form and then take over my mind. Were  they laughing at me instead of with me? Were the smiles because they couldn’t believe I had the nerve to think I could do this? Should I have admitted that I hadn’t thought about that before? Should I have lied about a book I hadn’t read? Did the lesson I wrote for them make any sense at all? Maybe the 103 degree fever I discovered I had when I got home made me come off as an idiot. Did I ramble? I think I rambled. Should I have been so honest when they asked for the three words a former difficult student would use to describe me? I sounded too confident. Maybe I wasn’t confident enough. I could literally keep writing for pages and pages. 

I can’t do anything about my interview; my chance came and I did my best. My focus now needs to be away from the interview and on something else. The problem is that I cannot see past this job. I cannot see past the need to perform the work, to be with the people, to create and laugh and love what I do. I cannot see past having a salary. But for now I will do what I can to refocus myself. I will try and stop my anxiety train from rolling away with me on board and hope and pray that I hear soon.

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